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08 November 2011 @ 02:16 pm
impossible to be sustained under any covering. impossible to get ahead.
tradically impossible to attain any dream, any hope, anything better for myself.
12 April 2011 @ 12:01 am
Cause its getting harder and harder to breathe.

I don't know if anyone will read this, nor do I really care.
I just need to start sorting out my mind, before I explode! :)

I feel trapped. I feel trapped in my head, trapped in my life, trapped in so many different areas. Not to say I'm not happy with my life, or who I am, or who I'm surrounded by ... on the contrary, I feel like I'm so far behind in who I should be, or what I could do.
I feel like my thoughts, or my mind hold me back SO much from so many different things. I feel like my insecurities define me at this point. Like I'm stuck in this box of insecurity. Feeling not good enough, youre too much, not pretty enough. not smart enough. you never say the right thing, you never say enough. you say too much. you dont say anything. you dont make sense.

I feel like slapping myself in the face sometimes...like dude SHUTUP. you think too much!
None of this is true, and literally, get over yourself, and just BE YOURSELF. whether or not its enough for ANYONE else. Honestly, no one cares enough to watch or evaluate every move you make. so why are you doing it to yourself?

Seriously, havent I been here and over it before? Like when are you gonna get it?
But its like eve though I know all this, even though I know its so lame of me to still think this way, I still do sometimes. I get so stuck inside myself, that I'm holding MYSELF back from being who I really am. Being the fun person that I am. It happens not always, but more than It should. And I feel like its just such a burden on some people, like who wants anyone that insecure around? No one. They want the real me they know me to be, around. So why can't I just be, mE? I have no idea sometimes.

secondly, I feel like I'm 21 years old now, I have no degree behind me, no stable career, no money saved, nothing that can go toward my future. I have no direction really right now. I feel like I have no place. I feel like I want to be apart of something, I want to have healthy relationships and do meaningful things with my life ... but it just feels SO damn far away. I'm basically starting over again and again and again. I feel like thats been my whole life! just starting over, and over and over and over again.get the point yet? Its just this constant cycle time after time, and it never ends! just a whirlwind of failures and regrets, and picking up, and falling off, and this is the ONLY constant in my life! How ironic.
How do I end this?

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I must be insane then. I keep trying and trying but I keep getting the same results. But I don't know what else to try. I don't know where to go. I don't know what i should do or where i should be.

Where are my answers? Where is my happy ending? I'm so sick of beginnings.
Current Location: my current home.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative